I'm gonna make you laugh until you get explosive diarrhea. And then I'm gonna laugh. Heartily.


"The shit that comes out of your mouth is like vaginal discharge. Embarrassing and unpleasant, and also a sign of something possibly seriously wrong."


"(whispering) The secret's out. (full voice) I'm fucking awesooooooome!"


"If she sends me one more fucking smiley face emoticon, I'm gonna shove that keyboard so far up her arse, she's gonna have to tweak her nipples to force quit."


"I've got so much love, and so little time to share it. So hard."


"Watching you think is like watching a cat shovel shit with two broken paws. Painful, but I just can't stop watching."


"I loved it, and then I set it free. And now, I will hunt it down and kill it."


"Trousers. Trooooouuuuuusers. From my hips to my ankles, they're trousers. Oh, your fucking stupid cunty pants! Pants are small, under trousers. Get it right arsehoooooooles! Trousers."


"Don't. Don't! Oh, don't exfoliate your labia."


"I'm no doctor, but I swear it's bacterial vaginosis. Your crotch smells like onion soup. Next, please!"


"I'm not fat. It's just my awesomeness swelling up inside me."


"Don't judge me by the friend I keep. Judge my by the enemies I have slain." 


Your three steps for happiness: Food, Sex, Me.


You're like a slinky: Pointless and useless, but you bring a smile to my face when I push yyou down the stairs. 


It's not sweat. It's my aura glistering. 


Beer is from Mars. chocolate's from Venus.


I'm a one flower kind of bee. Monogabee. That's me.


I'm the reason why are there so many adjectives for awesome.